Dear Cold,
Girl, if he wasn't already dead I'd suggest you let me come take care of things for you. Talk about transparent, honey—this boyfiend of yours is obviously not concerned about your needs. You are the victim of a hit-it-and-run operation and you have got to put a stop to it. Tell him this relationship doesn't stand a ghost of a chance if he won't stop with the spirit-sh** and talk turkey. If he still won't take you seriously, it's time for a little Ghostbuster action, if you know what I mean.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Dead Boyfriend Pulls Vanishing Act
Dear Azriel,
My boyfriend is dead, which makes things hard enough. I can't save him a seat at the movie theater. I can't invite him over to family dinners. I can't really hold hands with him in public because, most of the time, I'm the only one who can see him. And when he does show himself in public, it really weirds people out. But I can live with all of that. What I can't live with is his refusal to commit. Every time I want to talk about where this relationship is going, he simply evaporates. He acts like he can't control it but I know better. He has no problem showing up in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep and pulling the covers off of me. He doesn't suddenly and uncontrollably disappear just before he reaches orgasm...although, come to think of it, he sometimes does before I reach mine. He has no problem hanging around the entire time I have a male friend over. (I'm not involved with this guy romantically, by the way, and my boyfriend knows it.) How can I get him to stand still long enough to talk with me about our relationship?
~ Left Cold by Love
My boyfriend is dead, which makes things hard enough. I can't save him a seat at the movie theater. I can't invite him over to family dinners. I can't really hold hands with him in public because, most of the time, I'm the only one who can see him. And when he does show himself in public, it really weirds people out. But I can live with all of that. What I can't live with is his refusal to commit. Every time I want to talk about where this relationship is going, he simply evaporates. He acts like he can't control it but I know better. He has no problem showing up in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep and pulling the covers off of me. He doesn't suddenly and uncontrollably disappear just before he reaches orgasm...although, come to think of it, he sometimes does before I reach mine. He has no problem hanging around the entire time I have a male friend over. (I'm not involved with this guy romantically, by the way, and my boyfriend knows it.) How can I get him to stand still long enough to talk with me about our relationship?
~ Left Cold by Love
Monday, February 12, 2007
Azriel's Reply to Bleeding for Love
Dear Bleeding,
Variety?? Hearing something like that just makes me want to get up and slap my mama. Well it would if I had a mama. It's BLOOD!! It's all blood. What does she think, she's going to pop open a vein and find some Campbell's Soup up in there? Sounds like you're not getting enough blood to the brain, darlin'. This girl is not going to see your point of view. She is not going to become reasonable and caring. She's going to keep taking advantage of you until you grow some nads and put a stop to it. These kinds of vampires (I'm talking about the soul-sucking kind) prey on gullible little Pollyanna-boys like you and twist them around their little fingers until their brains plop out in big, messy blobs of goo on the floor. Not pretty, huh? I'll bet it doesn't feel good either. You need to take a reality check and kick the b-- to the curb. Period. You need a girlFRIEND, not a girlFIEND.
For the question, go to Friday's post.
Variety?? Hearing something like that just makes me want to get up and slap my mama. Well it would if I had a mama. It's BLOOD!! It's all blood. What does she think, she's going to pop open a vein and find some Campbell's Soup up in there? Sounds like you're not getting enough blood to the brain, darlin'. This girl is not going to see your point of view. She is not going to become reasonable and caring. She's going to keep taking advantage of you until you grow some nads and put a stop to it. These kinds of vampires (I'm talking about the soul-sucking kind) prey on gullible little Pollyanna-boys like you and twist them around their little fingers until their brains plop out in big, messy blobs of goo on the floor. Not pretty, huh? I'll bet it doesn't feel good either. You need to take a reality check and kick the b-- to the curb. Period. You need a girlFRIEND, not a girlFIEND.
For the question, go to Friday's post.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Azriel's Weekend
I hope all you lovely people are having as much fun as I am this weekend. I have a date tonight that I know would make all you people out there green with envy. Maybe I'll tell you about it...if I'm in any shape to post.
Scroll down to yesterday's post for the last letter from one of my love customers. Oh, that sounds naughty, doesn't it? ;)
Scroll down to yesterday's post for the last letter from one of my love customers. Oh, that sounds naughty, doesn't it? ;)
Friday, February 9, 2007
Cheating Vampire Girlfriend
Dear Azriel,
I've been dating this beautiful woman for six months now. We've been sleeping together for five of those months. She tells me I'm the most important thing in her life, but about two weeks ago I caught her with another guy. It's not the first time, either. The first time I gave her a free pass, because she's a vampire. She claimed that she needed variety in her diet. I said, fine, as long as you don't sleep with them. But this last time, there was a lot more penetration going on than just her teeth, if you know what I mean. Now she says that she needs to have sex with them to make them willing to feed her. She says it's a matter of survival. I can't help but feel it's a matter of betrayal. Am I being unreasonable? How can I get her to see my point of view? ~ Bleeding for Love
Come back Monday for the answer. I dare you.
I've been dating this beautiful woman for six months now. We've been sleeping together for five of those months. She tells me I'm the most important thing in her life, but about two weeks ago I caught her with another guy. It's not the first time, either. The first time I gave her a free pass, because she's a vampire. She claimed that she needed variety in her diet. I said, fine, as long as you don't sleep with them. But this last time, there was a lot more penetration going on than just her teeth, if you know what I mean. Now she says that she needs to have sex with them to make them willing to feed her. She says it's a matter of survival. I can't help but feel it's a matter of betrayal. Am I being unreasonable? How can I get her to see my point of view? ~ Bleeding for Love
Come back Monday for the answer. I dare you.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Azriel's Reply to In Hell
Want to see the question? Don't lie -- you know you do. Just scroll down to yesterday's post.
Honey, I never take anything personally that doesn't require lube. As for the boyfriend, it's like this. There are demons...and then there are people with bad grooming habits. The next time he starts showing off his cheesy chompers, just squirt him in the face with some holy water-laced Listerine. Not that that will get the point across, because obviously this guy has a bad case of no home training.
As for your sister, honey, if she's hanging around with a f***tard like that, she's already in more trouble than you know. Tell your parents. Tell the priest. Heck, I'll give you the HellCell of the Big Guy Down Below. I know him personally. Any “trouble” your Satanically-inclined sibling might get into as a result of you shedding some light on the situation is nothing compared to having her common sense possessed by this flaming jerkwad.
Honey, I never take anything personally that doesn't require lube. As for the boyfriend, it's like this. There are demons...and then there are people with bad grooming habits. The next time he starts showing off his cheesy chompers, just squirt him in the face with some holy water-laced Listerine. Not that that will get the point across, because obviously this guy has a bad case of no home training.
As for your sister, honey, if she's hanging around with a f***tard like that, she's already in more trouble than you know. Tell your parents. Tell the priest. Heck, I'll give you the HellCell of the Big Guy Down Below. I know him personally. Any “trouble” your Satanically-inclined sibling might get into as a result of you shedding some light on the situation is nothing compared to having her common sense possessed by this flaming jerkwad.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Hates Sister's Demon Boyfriend
Dear Azriel, I hate my sister's boyfriend. I mean I REALLY hate my sister's boyfriend. Don't take this personally, but he's a demon from Hell. Literally. His teeth are disgusting and the last time he came over, mom and dad weren't home and he wouldn't stop levitating me. I haven't told my parents, because I don't want to get my sister into trouble, but god, this guy is a creep. You know what else he does? He keeps possessing my sister. So half the time he's there spying on me and I don't even know it. My sister and I used to be really tight, but now that he's around, I don't even know if I want to hang out with her anymore. ~ In Hell
Tune in tomorrow for Azriel's witty answer. Azriel never disappoints, darlin'.
Tune in tomorrow for Azriel's witty answer. Azriel never disappoints, darlin'.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Azriel's Advice
Hey, Beautiful. Scroll down to yesterday's post for the question.
Dear She-Wolf Lover,
First, tell her ENOUGH WITH THE RABBITS ALREADY! Use a rolled-up newspaper if you have to, but make sure she understands No Dead Things On The Porch. Second, buy a dog brush. One night of shedding a month is not going to kill you. Trust me. I've tried to kill people with dog hair before. It doesn't work, I don't care what kind of flaming ju-ju you put on it or how hard you throw it at them. And besides, it's a great chance for some freaky stuff that isn't too-too freaky if you know what I mean. (Cough, dogggie style, cough.)
That's assuming, of course, that those two teeny-tiny-a** little things are actually what's keeping you from living in sin. But you know what? I'm a demon, honey. I can smell an evil, evil lie a mile away, even if you're telling it to yourself. Stop making out like you would move in with her if she wasn't possessed of the two giant defects of having too-luxuriant locks and loving you enough to bring you little presents (allbeit weird-a** ones). Simply admit to yourself that you don't want her moving in because...you don't want to live with her. Maybe you're afraid she'll unalphabetize your Burt Bacharach collection. Maybe it's because you're hoping something better will come along—something like a were-pomeranian, maybe?
Whatever your reason, you need to stop being such a giant puss and own up to what you want—or, in this case, what you don't want—unless what you DO want is to chance winding up with a pet you won't be able to take to the pound.
Dear She-Wolf Lover,
First, tell her ENOUGH WITH THE RABBITS ALREADY! Use a rolled-up newspaper if you have to, but make sure she understands No Dead Things On The Porch. Second, buy a dog brush. One night of shedding a month is not going to kill you. Trust me. I've tried to kill people with dog hair before. It doesn't work, I don't care what kind of flaming ju-ju you put on it or how hard you throw it at them. And besides, it's a great chance for some freaky stuff that isn't too-too freaky if you know what I mean. (Cough, dogggie style, cough.)
That's assuming, of course, that those two teeny-tiny-a** little things are actually what's keeping you from living in sin. But you know what? I'm a demon, honey. I can smell an evil, evil lie a mile away, even if you're telling it to yourself. Stop making out like you would move in with her if she wasn't possessed of the two giant defects of having too-luxuriant locks and loving you enough to bring you little presents (allbeit weird-a** ones). Simply admit to yourself that you don't want her moving in because...you don't want to live with her. Maybe you're afraid she'll unalphabetize your Burt Bacharach collection. Maybe it's because you're hoping something better will come along—something like a were-pomeranian, maybe?
Whatever your reason, you need to stop being such a giant puss and own up to what you want—or, in this case, what you don't want—unless what you DO want is to chance winding up with a pet you won't be able to take to the pound.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Werewolf Girlfriend Wants To Move In
Dear Azriel,
My girlfriend of a year and a half wants to move in together. She's a great girl – beautiful, intelligent, fun to be around. Except for once a month. Well, twice a month, but I can cut her some slack for PMS. Thing is, she's a werewolf. I love her dearly and I do consider our relationship a committed one. I just don't think living together is necessary to prove that. And I know this probably sounds silly, but I just don't want to be up all night once a month worrying about her, only to have her dragging in the next morning snarling at me. I do worry as it is, but it's easier if I'm not looking for her every minute of the night. Besides, I'm a little bit of a neat freak and she sheds. A lot. Once she even left a dead rabbit on my front porch. I thought that was sweet, but there are only so many dead rabbits a guy can take. What should I do? ~ She-Wolf Lover
TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR AZRIEL'S HIGHLY INTELLIGENT ANSWER. SEE YOU THEN, BEAUTIFUL.
My girlfriend of a year and a half wants to move in together. She's a great girl – beautiful, intelligent, fun to be around. Except for once a month. Well, twice a month, but I can cut her some slack for PMS. Thing is, she's a werewolf. I love her dearly and I do consider our relationship a committed one. I just don't think living together is necessary to prove that. And I know this probably sounds silly, but I just don't want to be up all night once a month worrying about her, only to have her dragging in the next morning snarling at me. I do worry as it is, but it's easier if I'm not looking for her every minute of the night. Besides, I'm a little bit of a neat freak and she sheds. A lot. Once she even left a dead rabbit on my front porch. I thought that was sweet, but there are only so many dead rabbits a guy can take. What should I do? ~ She-Wolf Lover
TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR AZRIEL'S HIGHLY INTELLIGENT ANSWER. SEE YOU THEN, BEAUTIFUL.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
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